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    Below, are Harry Potter related jokes that have been sent in to us by our viewers. If you would like to submit a joke please send it to us via our Feedback Form.

To view the answers to the jokes simply highlight the "invisible" text between the arrows. Some jokes have multiple answers.


What do you call a coughing Quidditch commentator?
<<Weasley (Wheeze-Lee!)>>

What do you call jewelery that many people and I share?
<<Rubeus (Ruby-us!)>>

What do you call a teacher with a bad attitude? Moody Who would you call if you wanted to protect your Valentines?
<<Lockhart (Lock-heart!)>>



How many does it take to light up a wand?

How many Quidditch players does it take to light up a wand?
<<Six to work their butts off and a Seeker to take the credit.>>

How many dragons does it take to light up a wand?
*whoosh of flames*
<<Never mind.>>

How many Animagi does it take to light up a wand?
<<Two dozen, because only one of them is actually registered.>>

How many Weasleys does it take to light up a wand?
<<Who needs a lighted wand, with all that bright red hair?>>
<<Seven: Ginny to look upset and do nothing, Ron to sulk about not getting credit for lighting up the last one, Fred and George to try and blow it up, Percy to yell at Fred and George, Charlie to hold it in front of a cranky dragon, and Bill to roll his eyes at all of them.>>
<<One, but they'll have to search through a pile of the twins' fake ones first.>>

How many Veela does it take to light a wand?
<<Just one, really, but chances are there'll be about a hundred guys begging to do it for her.>>

How many Knight Bus conductors does it take to light a wand?
<<Why do they need a wand? They've got those headlights...>>

How many Dark Lords does it take to light a wand?
<<One, but he prefers it to be a light of the green variety.>>
<<Two: One to light it, one to kill him and take the credit.>>

How many Voldemorts does it take to light up a wand?
<<None. Why do you think he's called the *Dark* Lord?>>
<<I'm a bit afraid to ask him just now. He seems a bit preoccupied in his attempts to kill Harry Potter.>>

How many Transfiguration teachers does it take to light a wand?
<<Two, one to change a pen into a wand and one to light the wand.>>

How many house-elves does it take to light a wand?
<<Just one, but they better hope the Ministry doesn't find out about it.>>

How many stuck-up arrogant teachers *coughLockhartcough* does it take to light a wand?
<<Only one, but he's too busy fixing his oh-so-perfect hair and coordinating his robes. But of course, he could light a wand with his hands tied behind his back, if he wanted to.>>

How many Marauders does it take to light up a wand?
<<Only one, but he'll have to do Wormtail's as well.>>
<<Only one, but then they'll use it to light up Snape *evil grin*>>

How many Divination professors does it take to light up a wand?
<<None, her Inner Eye has just informed her it'll be bright and sunny all day, and who is she to refuse the promptings of fate?>>
<<One, but it's sure to be the sign of dreadful things to come.>>

How many Muggle kids does it take to light up a wand?
<<Two, one to light it (with a match), and the other to be blamed for burning down the school.>>

How many trolls does it take to light up a wand?
<<Only one, but he's got to dig it out of his nose first.>>

How many Death Eaters does it take to light up a wand?
<<Only one, but you'll have to get out the Veritaserum to make him confess.>>
<<Fifty: forty-eight to watch, one to be tortured by the Dark Lord, and one to light the wand.>>

How many Dumbledores does it take to light up a wand?
<<We're going to have to settle for one (the other is busy practicing inappropriate charms on a goat).>>

How many fan fiction writers does it take to light up a wand?
<<None ... alas, all we can do is write about it.>>

How many Creeveys does it take to light up a wand?
<<Just one, he did all by himself, it was awesome, and I bet Harry can't wait to hear all about it.>>

How many escaped convicts does it take to light a wand?
<<One, but he needs to steal the wand first.>>

How many Quidditch captains does it take to light up a wand?
<<Don't know, could never get them to focus on anything other than Quidditch.>>

How many Ministers of Magic does it take to light a wand?
<<Just one, but he needs to ask Dumbledore for advice first.>>

How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light a wand?
<<Well, I s'pose three or four together could bungle up a plan, but aren't their robes bright enough?>>
<<One, but he has to be devilishly handsome or nobody will notice.>>
<<You tell me how many Hufflepuffs there are, and I'll tell you how many it takes to light a wand.>>
<<Just one, but he has to be told how by a friendly Gryffindor first.>>
<<Only one, but they're so loyal he'll probably tell you it took the whole house.>>
<<It doesn't matter. As long as they tried their hardest, they're all winners.>>

How many Herbology Professors does it take to light a wand?
<<Just one, but they can't do it around a Devil's Snare.>>

How many Neville Longbottoms does it take to light a wand?
<<Oh, one, I suppose, but we don't want the dear boy to hurt himself, do we?>>

How many of Malfoy's henchman does it take to light a wand?
<<Light a wand? Them? Ha! Okay, let's be serious now.>>

How many Squibs does it take to light a wand?
<<Ten: four to babble excitedly about their FABULOUS experiences with the Kwikspell Course, two to brandish their wands and emit a spark or two, three to glance around furtively and sneak a match from their pockets, and one to grumble about cleaning up the whole mess.>>

How many Rita Skeeters does it take to light a wand?
<<Just one, but her Quick-Quotes-Quill will probably write a gripping article about a raging fire that burnt down the beloved Ollivanders Wand Shop in Diagon Alley.>>

Hey, how many centaurs does it take to light up a wand?
<<None. Mars is unusually bright tonight.>>

How many expelled students does it take to light a wand?
<<Wand? What wand? They got rid of the pieces after they were expelled. They swear.>>

How many basilisks does it take to light up a wand?
<<No one's ever been able to get close enough to find out.>>

How many phoenixes does it take to light up a wand?
<<One, if you catch it just as it bursts into flames. Hopeless, otherwise. It can sing you to sleep though, if you're afraid of the dark.>>

How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?
<<Why use a wand when they already created a new quantum-theory for wandless magic?>>
<<Twenty-two Ravnclaws: five running around the library to find the quickest, most effective manner. Seven to practice the spell to make sure that itís safe and it works. Three to inform the professors of what they're doing so they can get the credit. Four to contemplate over whose wand has the best core material for performing this spell. One to stand by with a fire extinguisher just in case. One to actually light the wand and one more to point out how I spelled "Ravenclaw" wrong...those clever Ravenclaws!>>
<<Who has time for silly things like lighting wands when there are only eight months until OWLs?>>
<<A whole house to study on various ways to do the task, then one Ravenclaw to do the actual lighting.>>
<<One-unless you count books as people, in that case, 23. (what, she *had* to make sure she did it absolutely perfectly, even though she won't get any credit for it, because nothing interesting ever happens to Ravenclaws)>>
<<No idea. What?! A Ravenclaw without an idea?! Hell must have frozen over.>>
<<Only one. But then she'll take the wand and start doing all sorts of 7th year stuff with it...>>
<<Just one, because s/he stayed up all night studying on how to do it properly.>>
<<None, they learned that one in babyhood and wouldn't dream of wasting time on such a juvenile spell.>>

How many members of the infamous Trio does it take to light a wand?
<<All three of them. Harry to light the wand, Ron to be jealous of his wand-lighting ability, and Hermione to give the complete history of wands and the 'Lumos' spell.>>

How many ghosts does it take to light a wand?
<<Answer, as given by Moaning Myrtle: That's so insensitive! How can you ask me that when you know perfectly well I can't hold a wand because I'm...I'm... *bursts into hysterical sobs and flushes herself to go spy on the Prefects*>>

How many Gryffindors does it take to light a wand?
<<A lot fewer if Hermione wasn't standing around distracting them by correcting their pronunciation.>>
<<None, a *Gryffindor*, scared of the dark??>>

How many Malfoys does it take to light a wand?
<<One, and it has to be Lucius: Draco's too busy using his to hex Harry and Narcissa's afraid she'll break a nail.>>

How many Creeveys does it take to light up a wand?
<<Three, one to light it up, one to take some pictures, and one to run and brag to Harry about it.>>

How many Ollivanders does it take to light a wand?
<<Hundreds. Each one to light a different wand until they find the right one.>>

How many Lockharts does it take to light a wand?
<<Five. One to look at the wand and be confused, one to get a good wizard to do it for him, one to wipe the good wizard's memory, one to publish a book about it, and one to sign the book.>>

How many Hagrids does it take to light a wand?
<<Two. One to light it and one to explain why his pink umbrella just lit up.>>

How many Dudleys does it take to light a wand?
<<Three. One to find Harry's wand and take it out of greed and curiosity, one to accidentally light it up, and one to freak out because that means he's a wizard.>>

How many Blast-Ended Skewts does it take to light up a wand?
<<No one's been willing to get close enough to find that out.>>

How many Tom Riddles do it take to light a wand?
<<One, but he has to write all about it in his diary first.>>

How many Neville Longbottoms does it take to light a wand?
<<Only one, but he'll need Malfoy to scare him into doing it, first.>>

How many founders of Hogwarts does it take to light a wand?
<<Four, two to get into a fight about which house is better, one to shake her head at their antics and one to light the bloody wand!>>

How many butterbeers does it take to light a wand?
<<Zero, the more you drink, the harder it is to do the spell.>>

How many mysterious strangers does it take to light a wand?
<<None, he wouldn't want to be recognized now would he? On the other hand, if you want a dragon's egg...>>

How many History of Magic teachers does it take to light up a wand?
<<Two, one to do it and the other to keep the class awake long enough to see it.>>

How many Death Eaters does it take to light up a wand?
<<Just one, but you'll have to find one that still has a hand.>>
<<Just one, but if Voldemort doesn't like how he did it, he'll be sorry.>>

How many Unspeakables does it take to light up a wand?
<<Nobody knows.>>

How many Hogwarts students does it take to light up a wand?
<<Four; one Hufflepuff to look up the spell, one Ravenclaw to perform it, and one Gryffindor and one Slytherin to argue about it.>>

How many Professor Quirrells does it take to light a wand?
<<One, but he has to be told by Voldemort how to do it.>>

How many Mirror of Eriseds does it take to light a wand?
<<None, the person in front of it just has to want it lit really bad.>>

How many Peeves does it take to light up a wand?
<<Why would he want to light up a wand when he can 'light up' Mrs Norris?>>

How many Mr. Filches does it take to light up a wand?
<<You... you found out... Professor Dumbledore he knows I am a Squib!!!>>

How many Harrys does it take to light up a wand?
<<Only one, but he has to put up with Colin Creevey running around him with a flashing camera: "That was awesome Harry, look here Harry. Here Harry! Over here!">>

How many Vampires does it take to light a wand?
<<Only one I think, but when I realized it was a Vampire, I didn't wait around to see if there were any more.>>

How many Defence against the Dark Arts Professors does it take to light a wand?
<<No one knows really, they never hold the position long enough to do it.>>
<<They all can, but Professor Snape could do it so much better a job of it, I'm sure.>>

How many Divinations Professors does it take to light a wand.
<<Only one, but she has to wait until the stars are aligned just so...and Lavender and Parvati need to be there to marvel over it.>>

How many Arthur Weasleys does it take to light a wand?
<<Just one. But he'd be much more fascinated in a Muggle flashlight, especially if he could find one with a plug.>>

How many Weasley twins does it take to light a wand?
<<Molly: "Oh no you don't. They're enough trouble already without getting ideas from the likes of you!">>

How many Harry Potter fanatics does it take to light a wand?
<<Dunno. I've memorized every word of all four books and the movie and they don't say. I could recite them if you don't believe me.>>

How many Lavenders and Parvatis does it take to light a wand?
<<Either one can do it. But they'll both be sure to giggle and whisper conspirationally in each others ears while they do.>>

How many Dumbledores does it take to light a wand?
<<You'll know when you're old enough, Harry, when you're ready and the time is right.>>

How many Luna's does it take to light a wand?
<<3 one to do it one to look it up in the Quibbler, and one to stare at the others with a look of wonder on her face...>>

How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?
<<Just one really but he has to be accompanied by two thugs *cough* *cough* Crabbe and Goyle *cough* *cough* and an ugly girl *cough* pansy *cough* that grows on his arm. He also has to show it off to the Gryffindors who would bravely beat him to a pulp before they have 1 of their own members, probably Hermione, light it and get the credit while Ron and Harry have detention from Snape, who gets mad after George and Fred play a prank on him (he thinks it was James, Sirius and Remus all over again)!>>
<<Two, one to light it and one to blame the Gryffindors in case it doesn't work.>>
<<Two: one student to light it and one Head of House to give them absurd amounts of points for it.>>
<<Three: One to hide it in a secret chamber, one to find it over a thousand years later and almost light it but fail and blame someone else, having said person expelled, and one to find it again fifty years after that and try to light it again but get caught. The wand then gets destroyed by Harry Potter.>>
<<5: One to complain about how his father would be very upset about having him do such menial tasks, two to look menacing, one to open the Chamber of Secrets to make sure no muggle-borns do it first, and one to sneer at the Gryffindors and give the Slytherins extra points for doing it so perfectly.>>
<<Six. One to light it, one to gloat over it, one to steal it, and three to look impressive.>>
<<Why light a wand when you can set a Hufflepuff's robes on fire?>>
<<None. They just get the Potions master to give them credit and a bunch of house points for it.>>
<<Two, one to do the lighting and another to laugh at Neville Longbottom just out of spite.>>
<<None. Why learn Lumos when you could learn Crucio?>>
<<Three, one do do the lighting and a couple of toadies to congratulate him.>>
<<They don't *really* know how to light wands. They have house elves to do it for them.>>
<<Doesn't matter. However well they do, Dumbledore will find some excuse to give the glory to the Gryffindors instead.>>
<<Eight: 1 to use dark magic to light it, 2 to hurl insults at passing Gryffindors, and 5 to stand around and conceal the evil doings.>>
<<One, but then he gets in trouble with his father because Hermione did it better.>>
<<What's a light bulb? or, alternatively: None, they make a Hufflepuff do it for them.>>
<<Three; one to do the actual spell and two to look and stand around looking menacing in case any Gryffindors come along...>>
<<Just one, since Malfoy's dad bought them all automatic-lighting wands.>>

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